Spoiler Warning



Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you serious?

Knowing that Darth Vader was Luke’s father would somehow “spoil” your enjoyment of The Empire Strikes Back? Knowing that Bruce Willis is a ghost somehow “ruins” The Sixth Sense?

What kind of miserable, joyless creature are you? What sort of excuse for a mind are you carrying up there? Or is it all solid bone?

Look: I was not even a teenager when Star Wars came out. I saw it something like thirty times. At some point I started wondering who Luke’s father actually might be. So of course I looked to every adult male in the movie. Top candidate: Obi-Wan, of course. After that, only Vader could have fit the bill. Unless of course you actually believed that horse-shit story about Luke’s father being the greatest jedi ever but somehow being bested by a deformed asthmatic giant in a pimped-out suit of armor. Years later as I watched Empire for the first time, when Vader intoned, “I am your father,” in the middle of the theater in Macon, Georgia, I did a fist pump and shouted “YES!” I still do that almost every time I watch that movie. I enjoy the story even more today that I did then – that’s how it is with great works of cinema.

Bruce Willis was lying on his back bleeding onto the bedsheets when I thought, “He’s dead. He’s going to be a ghost.” All it took was the scene with the mother completely ignoring Bruce Willis, the shrink who could decide whether her kid went to the nut house. Completely ignoring him. How many mothers completely ignore some strange adult male who is taking an overt and intense interest in their son? When he’s sitting in the goddam living room eyeballing the kid like he can’t wait to see his Underoos? Knowing the shrink was a ghost looking for his own redemption didn’t spoil the story for me at all – it still sucked. Typical Hollywood bullshit redemption story with few scenes of empty suspense with a “shocking!” “unexpected!” “twist” at the end. Utterly predictable, utterly banal. So utterly banal and predictable in fact that I never had to see any other Shamalamamalamute films – I could guess the “twist ending” just from knowing the plot. Before the release of The Happening, I guessed at the entire movie, wrote it all down on a piece of paper, had it notarized, sealed it, and then when the movie came out I hired a gelded Sufi monk to see the movie and check my list against the film. Unfortunately, the mystic used the paper to start a fire in the movie theater, but a friend of mine later told me I was about 90% right.


You people are so stupid.


Get the fuck out of here. I live to spoil things for dumbasses like you.