The Adventures of Sir Coffee and the Cheesecake Knight


LORD FANCY and MAN are watching the tournament from the Royal Box Seats. Two armored knights fight with wooden swords; each defends with a wooden shield. On the shield of one knight is a red cross over a white field. The other knight’s shield is a green field with three brown ovals.

FANCY: Who is this one with the strange sigil on his shield? Are those turds?

MAN: Those are beans, my lord.

FANCY: Beans?

MAN: Coffee beans, my lord. They call him the Coffee Knight.

FANCY: The Coffee Knight?

MAN: Yes, I hear he is quite fond of the drink.

FANCY: Coffee Knight. I like that. We must have a Cheesecake Knight as well! Summon my man at arms.

MAN (shouting): Sir Talksalot to the Lord Fancy!

SIR TALKSALOT enters, bowing.


FANCY: Sir Talksalot. Will you be in the tourney today?

TALKSALOT: My Lord, I am still wounded from the Battle of Books.

MAN: How are your paper cuts healing, Sir?

FANCY: Never mind that, Man. Sir Talksalot, are you familiar with this fellow they call the Coffee Knight?

TALKSALOT: I am, my lord. He is well-known and well-traveled. He wields the lance well, and is a competent swordsman I am told.

FANCY: Sir Talksalot, my man at arms. I have a wish.

TALKSALOT: By your command, my lord.

FANCY: I wish there were Cheesecake to go with this Coffee.


MAN: Sir Talksalot, Lord Fancy fancies a Cheesecake Knight to balance the Coffee Knight.

FANCY: After dinner I always like a slice of Cheesecake when I am enjoying my Coffee. As it is with dessert so shall it be with knights, I think.

TALKSALOT: Who will be this Cheesecake Knight, my lord?

FANCY: It should be someone pretty. And nice. Cheesecake is nice, don’t you agree?

MAN: And sweet. Very sweet. Cheesecake is quite sweet, my lord.

TALKSALOT: May I suggest, my lord, not too nice and sweet. A knight must have some bite and fight.

FANCY: Indeed. A true Cheesecake wouldn’t stand up against a sword.

MAN: The sword is used to slice the cake, and perhaps shovel a generous serving of berries on top.

TALKSALOT: Did you have anyone in mind, my lord?

FANCY: No one in particular. I suppose it should be someone who has a fondness for Cheesecake, as this Coffee Knight is said to fancy the brew.

TALKSALOT: He claims it gives him sharp vision, a quick pace, and nerves of steel.

FANCY: All it ever does is make me piss buckets.

MAN: Sir Talks, do you know a knight who needs a favor and might bear this Cheesecake on his shield?

TALKSALOT: There’s few who’d turn down the chance to do Lord Fancy a favor. Would this Cheesecake Knight be expected to battle, or would he be a knight for the court?

FANCY: A jousting knight! They should joust! Cheesecake and Coffee! For the prize! Lord Fancy’s Champion!

TALKSALOT: My lord, this is the final match of the tourney. Whoever wins this match wins the prize.

FANCY: Nonsense. There is no winner until I declare it. Isn’t that so, Man?

MAN: It is the law, my lord, as my lord has declared it.

TALKSALOT: Perhaps a separate prize. For the Duel of Desserts.

FANCY: My Sir knight, you are ever so clever! The Duel of Desserts! And I shall give the winner my silver serving set! Make it so!

Talksalot bows and takes his leave.

MAN: May I suggest, my lord, one of the broken sets of silver. Several are missing their dessert spoons.

FANCY: Wouldn’t that be in bad form, Man, to award a silver serving set sans dessert spoons to the winner of the Duel of the Desserts?

MAN: One does not eat Cheesecake with a spoon, my lord.

FANCY: There is some strange logic to what you say. Very well. Choose the set yourself, Man. I’ve got a tourney to watch.

Man bows and takes his leave.

FANCY: Now I’m hungry. Cook! Cook! To me! Attend!

To be continued…