Whenever it takes three flicks of the Zippo to light a joint, I think, “I just got my head blown off in the trenches.”
Out walking, I see a penny on the sidewalk. Someone is going to come along and pick that up, I think. But not me. I don’t want to ruin their day.
Almost every Tuesday: a hamburger.
If there was really such a thing as cosmic justice, dog owners who don’t pick up their dog poop would wake up every morning with a dog turd in their pillow.
Light doesn’t really push away the dark. It eats it.
What if Agatha Christie wrote Gilligan’s Island? I wonder how it would end.
Scene: Rich people sitting around an expensive dinner talking about how much easier it is to be poor.
I wonder why elephants put up with so much shit from other animals. They’re big and live a lot longer than the other animals. Why don’t they just stomp everything and be done with it? We’re all just lucky they’re so mild-mannered.
Life is a just a test of an emergency. In the event of a real emergency, there will be a lot more annoyingly panicky people.
Did Bam-Bam Rubble ever wonder about his biological parents?
Those crazy monkeys living in those ruins probably look at us and think, Those crazy monkeys coming to our ruins…
Reality is a computer simulation running on a quantum computer operated by a sadistic child.
Don’t think about walking or you’ll trip.
