The Adventures of Sir Coffee and the Cheesecake Knight

Act 1. Scene 1. THE TOURNAMENT FIELD

LORD FANCY and MAN are watching the tournament from the Royal Box Seats. Two armored knights fight with wooden swords; each defends with a wooden shield. On the shield of one knight is a red cross over a white field. The other knight’s shield is a green field with three brown ovals.

FANCY: Who is this one with the strange sigil on his shield? Are those turds?

MAN: Those are beans, my lord.

FANCY: Beans?

MAN: Coffee beans, my lord. They call him the Coffee Knight.

FANCY: The Coffee Knight?

MAN: Yes, I hear he is quite fond of the drink.

FANCY: Coffee Knight. I like that. We must have a Cheesecake Knight as well! Summon my man at arms.

MAN (shouting): Sir Talksalot to the Lord Fancy!

SIR TALKSALOT enters, bowing.

TALKSALOT: My Lord.

FANCY: Sir Talksalot. Will you be in the tourney today?

TALKSALOT: My Lord, I am still wounded from the Battle of Books.

MAN: How are your paper cuts healing, Sir?

FANCY: Never mind that, Man. Sir Talksalot, are you familiar with this fellow they call the Coffee Knight?

TALKSALOT: I am, my lord. He is well-known and well-traveled. He wields the lance well, and is a competent swordsman I am told.

FANCY: Sir Talksalot, my man at arms. I have a wish.

TALKSALOT: By your command, my lord.

FANCY: I wish there were Cheesecake to go with this Coffee.

TALKSALOT: My lord?

MAN: Sir Talksalot, Lord Fancy fancies a Cheesecake Knight to balance the Coffee Knight.

FANCY: After dinner I always like a slice of Cheesecake when I am enjoying my Coffee. As it is with dessert so shall it be with knights, I think.

TALKSALOT: Who will be this Cheesecake Knight, my lord?

FANCY: It should be someone pretty. And nice. Cheesecake is nice, don’t you agree?

MAN: And sweet. Very sweet. Cheesecake is quite sweet, my lord.

TALKSALOT: May I suggest, my lord, not too nice and sweet. A knight must have some bite and fight.

FANCY: Indeed. A true Cheesecake wouldn’t stand up against a sword.

MAN: The sword is used to slice the cake, and perhaps shovel a generous serving of berries on top.

TALKSALOT: Did you have anyone in mind, my lord?

FANCY: No one in particular. I suppose it should be someone who has a fondness for Cheesecake, as this Coffee Knight is said to fancy the brew.

TALKSALOT: He claims it gives him sharp vision, a quick pace, and nerves of steel.

FANCY: All it ever does is make me piss buckets.

MAN: Sir Talks, do you know a knight who needs a favor and might bear this Cheesecake on his shield?

TALKSALOT: There’s few who’d turn down the chance to do Lord Fancy a favor. Would this Cheesecake Knight be expected to battle, or would he be a knight for the court?

FANCY: A jousting knight! They should joust! Cheesecake and Coffee! For the prize! Lord Fancy’s Champion!

TALKSALOT: My lord, this is the final match of the tourney. Whoever wins this match wins the prize.

FANCY: Nonsense. There is no winner until I declare it. Isn’t that so, Man?

MAN: It is the law, my lord, as my lord has declared it.

TALKSALOT: Perhaps a separate prize. For the Duel of Desserts.

FANCY: My Sir knight, you are ever so clever! The Duel of Desserts! And I shall give the winner my silver serving set! Make it so!

Talksalot bows and takes his leave.

MAN: May I suggest, my lord, one of the broken sets of silver. Several are missing their dessert spoons.

FANCY: Wouldn’t that be in bad form, Man, to award a silver serving set sans dessert spoons to the winner of the Duel of the Desserts?

MAN: One does not eat Cheesecake with a spoon, my lord.

FANCY: There is some strange logic to what you say. Very well. Choose the set yourself, Man. I’ve got a tourney to watch.

Man bows and takes his leave.

FANCY: Now I’m hungry. Cook! Cook! To me! Attend!

To be continued…